I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
