Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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