I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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