google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
