No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
