How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
