We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
