What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
