just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
