She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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