Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
