Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
