Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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