Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
