On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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