I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
