I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
