we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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