haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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