the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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