Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
