Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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