there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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