"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have fence marks all over my body
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
