Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
