Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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