Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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