home. puking in laundry basket.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
