You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
