OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
