I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
