When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
