I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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