She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
