If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
