dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
