I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Randomize
