Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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