I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
