I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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