my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
