Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
