We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
