she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my being single is dangerous.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
