My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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