I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
