I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
