its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
