im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
