please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
