i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
