I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
