jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
