I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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