cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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